Crisis

I’ve written this first paragraph 4 times now.  I’ve erased it three.  How do you say, “I had what felt like a mental breakdown and told my Table 8 Bible Study that I had to take a brief break from facilitating.  I called my doctor and had to change my medication.  I think I’m starting perimenopause and am angry all the time.  I couldn’t even force myself to read my Bible or write a blog.  I was sitting in depression that felt so alone.”  I mean, how do you say that and hope that people don’t gossip or read things into what you say?!

That is the reality I’ve been facing for a little over four months.  I would get up in the morning and stare at my Bible as I walked past it.  Get a cup of coffee ready and look over at it, knowing the Word of God was just screaming to be read, that reading it would make me feel something…ANYTHING…and I physically couldn’t do it.  

I know there are other women who have felt like this.  It’s all you can do to get from home to work to home.  It’s all you can do to get dressed, maybe even shower.  It’s a simultaneous feeling of craving to do what you love and begging yourself to get up, while a feeling of emptiness just keeps you right where you are.  Frozen.

It’s actually terrifying. 

Almost three weeks ago, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head.  I finally realized that not only was I going through depression that was bordering on a serious crisis, but I was also most likely starting the hormone changes women see in their mid-40’s, and I knew I needed help.  I got in with my doctor immediately who was patient and listened.  We made some adjustments to my medications, and within just a few days I started to feel differently.  It was like I could breathe!

Last Thursday morning, I voluntarily opened my Bible.  It was a quick decision, but I actually thought to myself, “I want to read You today,” and when I opened the Bible and put my hands to the pages and began to read the scripture, I started weeping.  If I could only use one word to describe what it felt like, I’d say it was relief.  It felt like coming home.

I have, hands down, the most amazing group of Christian women that surround me.  Emily never once said that I had to get myself together or write a blog or tell me I was doing something wrong.  She’s walking with me through it without judgment.  Not a single one of my Table 8 sisters got upset when I said, “I just can’t do it and I need help.  I have to take a break from teaching.”  Tuesday’s Table group loved and prayed for me and didn’t expect anything from me when I had nothing to give. 

God misses us when we aren’t in relationship with Him.  There is verse after verse of His great love for us, Romans 5:8, John 3:16, Ephesians 2:4-5 just to name a few.  He hates when there is a void between Father and child, and He know that what fills that void is Him!

It’s a work in progress.  I’m starting to want to reopen my Bible and do research on what the Word says.  And I recognize the Father’s love and presence again (even though I know He never left me).  I’m ready to get back to it.  In fact, I should probably go because I have a little Bible reading to do.

See you next Thursday,

Erin