Crisis

I’ve written this first paragraph 4 times now.  I’ve erased it three.  How do you say, “I had what felt like a mental breakdown and told my Table 8 Bible Study that I had to take a brief break from facilitating.  I called my doctor and had to change my medication.  I think I’m starting perimenopause and am angry all the time.  I couldn’t even force myself to read my Bible or write a blog.  I was sitting in depression that felt so alone.”  I mean, how do you say that and hope that people don’t gossip or read things into what you say?!

That is the reality I’ve been facing for a little over four months.  I would get up in the morning and stare at my Bible as I walked past it.  Get a cup of coffee ready and look over at it, knowing the Word of God was just screaming to be read, that reading it would make me feel something…ANYTHING…and I physically couldn’t do it.  

I know there are other women who have felt like this.  It’s all you can do to get from home to work to home.  It’s all you can do to get dressed, maybe even shower.  It’s a simultaneous feeling of craving to do what you love and begging yourself to get up, while a feeling of emptiness just keeps you right where you are.  Frozen.

It’s actually terrifying. 

Almost three weeks ago, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head.  I finally realized that not only was I going through depression that was bordering on a serious crisis, but I was also most likely starting the hormone changes women see in their mid-40’s, and I knew I needed help.  I got in with my doctor immediately who was patient and listened.  We made some adjustments to my medications, and within just a few days I started to feel differently.  It was like I could breathe!

Last Thursday morning, I voluntarily opened my Bible.  It was a quick decision, but I actually thought to myself, “I want to read You today,” and when I opened the Bible and put my hands to the pages and began to read the scripture, I started weeping.  If I could only use one word to describe what it felt like, I’d say it was relief.  It felt like coming home.

I have, hands down, the most amazing group of Christian women that surround me.  Emily never once said that I had to get myself together or write a blog or tell me I was doing something wrong.  She’s walking with me through it without judgment.  Not a single one of my Table 8 sisters got upset when I said, “I just can’t do it and I need help.  I have to take a break from teaching.”  Tuesday’s Table group loved and prayed for me and didn’t expect anything from me when I had nothing to give. 

God misses us when we aren’t in relationship with Him.  There is verse after verse of His great love for us, Romans 5:8, John 3:16, Ephesians 2:4-5 just to name a few.  He hates when there is a void between Father and child, and He know that what fills that void is Him!

It’s a work in progress.  I’m starting to want to reopen my Bible and do research on what the Word says.  And I recognize the Father’s love and presence again (even though I know He never left me).  I’m ready to get back to it.  In fact, I should probably go because I have a little Bible reading to do.

See you next Thursday,

Erin

Not Part of the “In Crowd”

I was asked to serve as part of a parent committee for my child’s extracurricular activities.  I was surprised I’d been nominated, but after clarifying the time commitment, I agreed to assist.  That’s when I was told it had to be voted on and I’d get notified the next day if I was selected. 

I did not get notified of my selection the next day.

I was casually explaining the scenario to a friend who is familiar with this group and when she responded with, “You must not be part of the in-crowd.” 

I was fine not getting selected for the volunteer opportunity. I was not okay with being a “non-select” because of a popularity contest.  That strikes me as something that should have been long left behind in High School.  And yet, my feelings were a little hurt that I wasn’t considered good enough to help in a volunteer capacity.

Have you ever experienced a similar scenario?  Where you were not selected for something and it was simply because you weren’t connected to the right crowd? Maybe because you didn’t have the “right” friends?  Perhaps you aren’t popular enough?

Instead of wallowing in the hurt feelings, I started to praise the Lord.  His all-knowing self has heard conversations and seen relationships behind closed doors that I’m not privy to.  Perhaps keeping us from joining organizations or groups is His way of making sure we aren’t in the wrong crowd vs the in-crowd. 

Essentially, God is ensuring we can be free from the High School shenanigans when we are prevented from being involved with scenarios that aren’t within His will.  In Colossians 3:23 we read, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”  This verse reminds us that all of our work needs to be in line with the will of the Lord, rather than the will of men.

All that to say, who cares that I didn’t get selected for a committee? 

I did at first.  But the more I processed the non-selection, the more grateful I am that the Lord shut that door for me. 

I want to be in His crowd more than I want to be part of the in-crowd.

~Emily

But It’s The Truth!

Imagine the cartoon where the wife asks the husband, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” To which he responds, “No, your butt makes your butt look big.”  It’s supposed to be a humorous look at a marriage conversation and I’m grateful that my husband has never said anything like that to me.  While it’s potentially true that my big booty makes my booty look big in pants, his telling me that may reduce me to tears. 

But I often call out my husband for words that I think are mean and hurtful.  He always retorts with “But it’s the truth!”  We’ve had countless conversations (read arguments) about how even if something is true, it could still hurt someone.  It’s not just falsehoods that hurt (in fact, I’d argue that some falsehoods feel better to hear than the truth often does).  I believe that the way we tell the truth matters just as much as the factual truth. 

Let’s explore an example.  There’s a horrible accident that results in the death of your loved one.  Have a “would you rather” moment with me…

Would you rather have someone say: “Your loved one (insert name/position) is dead.” Rather bluntly…very abruptly.

Or would you rather them say, “I know this won’t be easy to hear and I want you to know that I am so sorry to inform you that your loved one (insert name/position) has passed away due to the accident.” Rather emotionally…possibly even lovingly.

Both statements are true.  One is stark and harsh. One is filled with empathy and grace. 

For any relationship to flourish, truth is important.  Open and honest communication aids in the growth of all our friendships, family relationships, and even work partners.  However, that open and honest communication has to happen without it being hurtful. 

In other words, we can be truthful and mind our tongue.  Proverbs 12:18 (NASB) states, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”   Repeatedly in scripture, God warns us to watch our tongue, to be slow to anger, slow to speak. (see James 1:19)

When we are watchful over what comes out of our mouths, we can build others up. We can correct grievances without others becoming defensive.  We afford space for others to speak up as well. Foundationally, when we have honest and open communication that is helpful…not hurtful…it grows the bonds of connectedness.  A marriage becomes stronger, friendships have more trust, and the workplace flourishes; in each instance, our words have been chosen carefully in truth, but for the building up of others.

For instance, in Ephesians 4:29 (NASB) the Apostle Paul wrote, “Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that so that it will give grace to those who hear.”

Essentially Paul is instructing us that grace with truth creates a better scenario for others to hear what we are saying.  Therefore, we should struggle with the concept of “but it’s the truth” if that truth is hurtful.

This week I’d encourage you to meditate on how you tell the truth to those around you.  Is it starkly delivered, or is there room for grace?

~Emily

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Attacks of the Heart

Once upon a time, people who were suffering from a heart attack had little chance of survival because he or she didn’t know what was happening.  As a result of their not knowing, they ignored the symptoms until it was too late.

As medical advancements began to teach about the warning signs of heart attacks, such as discomfort and pressure in the center of the chest, pain on one or both arms, and shortness of breath, people became more aware of when they needed medical interventions.  Because of getting early medical help through knowing about the warning signs, the survival rate for heart attack victims has increased throughout the years.

Like physical heart attacks, there are also attacks of the heart in our Christian walk.  These spiritual attacks typically take us by surprise and like a physical heart attack, we need to know about the warning signs to increase “survival.” The following are some of the clues that tells us we should seek some help, or intervention, if you will. 

1. Wavering prayer life. Spiritual attacks have one goal…turn you away from God.  And that is accomplished when we stop communicating with Him.  One sign that you are under spiritual attack is when your prayer life starts to waiver.  Perhaps you aren’t making time for praying, or when you do have time you pray superficial prayers. In Matthew 26:40-41, the Lord tells his disciples to “…watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation…” Prayer assists with keeping us focused on the Lord.

2. Becoming Overwhelmed. I’m the first to admit that I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed lately…at work, at home, and even at church.  This could be a sign that you’re under a spiritual attack.  This often happens when it feels like the circumstances all around you are leaving you with a feeling of hopelessness.  If Satan can get us to lose our hope, then he can prevent our living in faith.  Proverbs 13:12 reminds us that hope which is deferred will make the heart sick.  Therefore, it becomes imperative that we not lose hope…even if we’re feeling overwhelmed.

3. Resurfacing of old habits. This is a very clear sign you are under attack.  Why would our habits or lifestyles prior to become a Christian become prevalent?  Easy, the enemy is once again trying to distract us from our current walk with Jesus.  When under attack with this warning sign, remember to rely on the convictions of the Holy Spirit to align your life Biblically.

4. You pull away from Godly relationships. There are times when under attack, where we don’t want to be held accountable within our Godly relationships.  So we pull aways from the ones who may be best able to help us through an attack.  Satan is smart…he wants to separate us from those who are our support and will assist with getting us back on track.

Well, what should we do if we’re having attacks of the heart? 

-Let’s not forsake a time and place for prayer.  There are two items that are imperative for a strong prayer life; the place and time for prayer.

-We should not forget the power of a place.  This could be your church, your prayer closet, or your heart…those places you feel close to God are important.

-Collectively, we should not forget the power of relationship.  Partnerships in Jesus, provide us with wise counsel and strong support.

-We need to rely on our Christian leaders.  Our Church leadership and specifically our Pastors are a provision by God to assist us with spiritual attacks.

Before medical advancements, many did not survive heart attacks because of lack of knowledge of the signs and symptoms of heart issues.  As Christians we need to know about spiritual attacks so that we are able to better identify them and survive…all in order to walk with Jesus, share the Gospel, and become more Christ-like.

~Emily

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Getting Done Dirty

Have you ever had someone “do you dirty?”  Lied about you? Gossiped about you? Actively sought to disparage you?  Tried to sabotage your work, your projects, or your family?

I’d venture to guess we all can say “yes.”  It might have been in the 8^th grade when so-and-so called you a mean name in PE.  Or it could have been when a spouse committed adultery.  It could have been a co-worker who took credit for your amazing project….or deflected blame on you when they messed up. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a tiny grievance or a large one, the Lord wants us to practice forgiveness. 

Only those of us who have been forgiven so much of our lives can forgive as greatly.  You see, God’s people as the recipients of the ultimate act of forgiveness, should be good forgivers. 

And yet, this is a place in my Christian walk that I have often stumbled.  Ask my husband, I’m really good at holding grudges.

But that’s not something to be proud of.  Scripture shows us in God’s intent about His need for us to forgive one another. Ephesians 4:32 (NASB) states, “Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Another example comes from Colossians 3:13-14 (NASB), “…bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also.  In addition to all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”

Verse 14 of the scripture takes forgiveness one step further and explains to us that the act of forgiving someone is an act of love.

If we can forgive small grievances frequently, then we will be able to better exercise the act of forgiveness when it comes to larger issues.  When we are striving to be Christ-like in forgiveness, then we showcase love.  And in both of those, we are obeying God’s commands so that we can be better citizens of heaven. 

Whether someone cuts you off on the highway, said bad things about you in Junior High School, or has sabotaged your marriage, remember this…the little and the big things of life are important to forgive.  God has deemed it so.  Even when you’ve been “done dirty.”

I’ll be praying this week that you have an opportunity to forgive something that has been bothering you.

~Emily

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Free Falling for the Toilets

The ladies’ room at my job consists of three stalls.  Two itty bitty stalls where you have to step to the side of the toilet to even shut the door, and one handicap stall with plenty of room to close the door behind you without having to straddle the commode. 

The handicap stall is spacious and has a normal-sized toilet.

The other two stalls?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  I believe the height requirements for American women’s toilets have not been met.  They are small.  Low.  Short to the ground.  Think, elementary school or preschool-sized toilets. (in all fairness, they aren’t preschool-size toilets, they are just super short). 

Keeping in mind that I had a total knee replacement 11 months ago, I’m a little cautious with the knee-bending scenarios.  Imagine my surprise the first time, and honestly every time, I use the first two stalls and end up feeling like I’m “Free Falling” to the toilet seat. 

Seriously, I fully expect that my legs will shoot straight up in the air with my tail in the water or land straight on the ground. 

Free falling, when there is an expectation that a few more inches will catch my body at an appropriate height level. 

How many times have we been in a real-life situation where we become caught off guard by a reaction that we have to something not going the way we expected it to?  I didn’t expect that my new job would take as much mental preparation each day regarding supervising both military and civilians.  A difference between expectation and reality, which results in feeling like I’m free falling.

I would venture to guess that the disciples thought that Jesus’ trial would have a different outcome.  I’m sure they weren’t anticipating that the day would end with Jesus carrying a cross to His crucifixion.  Another difference between expectation and reality, which likely resulted in the disciples feeling like they were free falling. 

Isn’t our sinful behavior the same?  We expect that certain things will happen and subsequently feel surprised when we end up flailing around almost falling into the water or landing on the ground.  A difference between expectation and reality, which results in free falling.  And yet, scripture warns us that we are more drawn towards the darkness of sin, rather than light. 

John 3:19 (NASB) states the following, “And this is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the Light; for their deeds were evil.” 

When we participate in sinful behavior, we see ourselves with flailing. Perhaps not at first, but at some point our sin has consequences and often that includes flailing.  The good news is that once we are saved by the blood of Christ, our flailing can decrease.  It never ceases, because while we strive to have Christ like behavior, our human nature causes us to continue making sinful decisions.  Ephesians 2:13 (NASB) reminds us, “But now in Christ Jesus, you who previously were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.”

Whether we’re talking about our sinful choices or the too-low toilets, we can avoid the sensation of free falling simply by being aware.  Preparation for the consequences can ease that feeling of flailing.  I’m praying this week that your toilets are the correct height and that you choose light over darkness.

~Emily

How Do I Deny Like Peter?

On Sunday my Pastor asked, “How do we deny the Lord, like Peter did?”

He’d just preached on the differences and similarities between Judas’ betrayal and Peter’s denial of Jesus when he posed the question.  It was an excellent sermon with several thought-provoking details about the motives and the lead-up to Easter services this next week.  The ultimate question was “Where do we deny Christ in our own lives as Christians?”  Do we minimize our relationship with the Lord when we aren’t in church? What does it look like when we deny Christ at work? At School? With Strangers?  Or with our own families?

The question created a scenario where I was reflecting for hours about a flippant comment that I’ve often made about the seven years I practiced wicca between 1998 and 2005.  I’ve often said of that time, “I denied Jesus, just like Peter.”

Let me be very clear, that seven years of deliberate disobedience was a blatant denial of Jesus and what He had already done in my life.

But there was more to the denial…three very distinct areas of denial that sit in my memory bank.

Exhibit One:  I was scheduled for my first knee surgery and while waiting to be rolled back to the Operating Room, I surprised myself by starting to pray.  I quickly “corrected” myself by telling myself that God was too busy to worry about my knee surgery.  Instead, I reminded myself that I’d burned sage in my dorm room and had “healing crystals” waiting at my bedside, which would take better care of me than a God who was too far removed from me. God denied.

Exhibit Two: I walked into my promotion test at Travis Air Force Base with the weight of a rock in my pocket that was promised to bring success and wealth into my life.  When I sat down and picked up the #2 pencil, I prayed that God would bring the knowledge to the front of my brain while taking the test.  Then I reminded myself that God was not for me and that the success rock in my pocket was what I truly needed.  God denied again.

Exhibit Three:  On the long stretch of Interstate 40 outside of Amarillo, I saw a horrific car accident with several first responders working frantically.  I prayed out loud, “Jesus protect the people in these vehicles, be with those working to save them.”  I immediately berated myself and switched that prayer from Jesus to a goddess over healers.  God denied thrice.

Each of these three examples is one where I denied the Lord.  Were there other examples of denial while I was involved with wicca?  Yes.  But these three are very specific ones that I remember.  Instances where I specifically chose to turn away from God, when in my heart and soul I had initially reached out to the one true God. 

Why do I remember these three more than any other example?  I can only tell you that in each three, I had a very distinct moment of conviction that I can now acknowledge as the Holy Spirit working on me. 

During the first example, I had a moment of doubt that included thinking “Do you really think a stupid crystal has anything to do with the beauty of God’s healing hands?”  Conviction.

During the second example, I had a moment after testing that I thought, “A rock is an inanimate object—a ridiculous thing to believe in when God is longing for you to return to Him for promotion.” Conviction again.

And after passing the car accident in example three, I specifically remember starting to cry.  Partly in solidarity with the families involved with the car wreck, but more because I specifically thought to myself, “You just changed a prayer from Jesus to a non-entity-goddess.  You are denying Christ.  You are no better than Peter in the courtyard.”  Conviction was delivered a third time.

It wasn’t long after the car accident conviction that I returned wholeheartedly to a walk with Christ and denounced all things wiccan. 

In our denials of the Lord, we are impacting our current relationship with God.  We are potentially turning others away from the Lord.  We are grieving the God who loves us so much. 

And yet, He loves us so much that He will take those moments of denial and turn them into “teachable moments.”  He loves us despite the denials. He uses the denials to catch our attention and bring us closer to Him. 

Think about Peter. Three times he denies Jesus in the courtyard area, even after Jesus had predicted that someone would deny Him and Peter refused to acknowledge it could be him.  As he was issuing his third denial, the rooster began crowing.  In Luke 22:61-62, we read that Jesus’ eyes met Peter’s.  An acknowledgment that the denial three times had occurred, and that Jesus knew who had done it. 

Verse 62 records that Peter went out and wept bitterly. 

Why? Because of the conviction of his heart. He knew then what he had done.  Denied the Lord.

In the week leading up to our celebrations of Good Friday and Easter, take some time to reflect on how you are like Peter in denying Jesus.  And know that whatever you uncover, the Lord will walk you through forgiving yourself for the denials.

~Emily

You Want Me to Delegate?!

Have you ever felt like you were busy?  I don’t mean just the normal busy.  I mean the 3 kids, carpool lane, one Zoom meeting while baking for a fundraiser, getting two children to basketball practice and make sure you have something semi-healthy for dinner?!

I know that most of us don’t have days quite that bad, but I know what it’s like to FEEL that way.  By the time I’ve finished my day and I’m settled, I realized that I was so busy being busy, the day slipped by with me in auto-drive and I can’t remember anything that happened.  I just knew I had so much to get accomplished and it was all my responsibility to get it done!

It’s even harder to delegate.  It’s MY stuff, MY agenda, MY kids, or MY job and that responsibility of it working out is on me.  I can do it best because I know it best!  Please tell me I’m not the only one that feels like this.

Let’s correlate this overwhelming feeling to scripture.  We, as Christians, often do something very similar in our walk with God.  We’re overwhelmed at work.  We have a medical test coming up because they’ve found a suspicious spot.  Our children have walked away from God.  Our marriage is on the rocks. 

What is the first thing we do?  We try to fix it.  We try to schedule it.  We try to control it to make sure it gets handled in the most efficient way.  But what does GOD tell us?

Give it to Him! 

When we truly lay it at the foot of the cross and submit to His authority, we can ask Him ‘What’s next? Where do I go?’  We can delegate it to Him! 

He tells over and over in the Bible that He will take our burden.  He will sustain us.  Yet we continually try to pick it up because we think it’s our job to do so.  It’s not!  We need to give it to Him and let Him direct the next step.  Then, we walk that first step and wait for Him to tell us where the foot goes next! 

I know! I know!  It’s often easier said than done.  But if we will truly submit to allowing Him to take it and direct us, we’ll find that the “stuff” that we must take care of will be prioritized by the Lord and not by us!  As well, even if it’s not the way that we would handle it, we can sit in the peace and knowledge that God’s taken over and His plan is always better than we could ever dream up.

Here are a few verses for you that I use to remind myself that I can give it to God and He will take it!

“Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” –Psalm 55:22

“Commit your works to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” –Proverbs 16:3

“Therefore humble yourselves under the might hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, having cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” –1 Peter 5:6-7

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is comfortable, and My burden is light.” –Matthew 11:28-30

~Erin

The Word of the Day is Revive

The first word that came to mind while I was sitting there was Revive.  It felt like the perfect word.  I felt this spark, a moment when my heart seemed to say, “It’s real.  It’s never gone away.  You just stopped breathing for a minute.” 

I attended a Prayer and Praise night for ladies at a local church in my area.  Along with a female-led worship team, they had specific prayer themes throughout the service.  A woman would lead prayer for a specific topic as the congregation prayed silently.  At the end, there was some time for you to pray for your personal topics in your seat or at the altar. 

Truth be told, I almost didn’t go.  It wasn’t on my radar of anything I really wanted to do.  But anyone that knows the relationship Emily and I have, knows that if one of us says let’s do something, the other says let’s go!  She told me she was going and asked me if wanted to join her, so I said ok.

 It’s not that I don’t like prayer and praise.  It’s just that I’ve felt some distance between me and God.  There isn’t anything specific that’s going on that has made me feel that way (other than Satan loves to annoy me and everyone else on the planet by hindering our relationships with the Creator).  So the desire to be in a roomful of women at the event didn’t feel…good.

And then—as I was singing and worshipping, and while I was praying, that word came to my mind.  And the tears that had been flowing for the prayer of others became tears of revival. 

Merriam-Webster defines the word revive this way:  to return to consciousness or life. 

That’s exactly how it felt.  It felt as if His presence, His still-small voice had been smothered by the flesh.

David and the other writers of Psalm gave us great hope when it comes to reviving our hearts from a feeling of being lost and alone, separated from God:

“Then we shall not turn back from You; revive us, and we will call upon Your name.” –Psalm 80:18

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me.” –Psalm 138:7

“I am exceedingly afflicted; Revive me, O Lord, according to Your word.” –Psalm 119:107

It was this feeling, a feeling of my heart for God being able to breathe again that made me think of that word.  My heart felt revived. 

With the reviving comes an even deeper hunger and thirst for Word of God and the Living Water!  Praise God He revives us!

I pray that if you are in this spot, a spot where you feel as if you can’t see or feel God or maybe you don’t know Him as your personal Savior, seek to be revived from the only God who is able to do it!

~Erin

When the Answer is…Not Yet

It seems like you’ve been waiting forever for God to answer a prayer or to move you in a different direction.  It’s in those moments that we often try to move on His behalf!  It’s easy to see where we want to be or what we want to happen, but it’s difficult when we feel as if God is ignoring us.

Here is just a wonderful reminder to me, you, and anyone else who might need this:  Just because it hasn’t been answered yet doesn’t mean that He’s not working on your behalf to direct you to the answer!

Sometimes the answer is no.  Sometimes the answer is yes.  But sometimes, the answer is NOT YET.  There are times when the patience and growth in waiting for the answer is the biggest part of the answer itself.

So what do we do while we’re waiting, while it’s a “not yet?”

Pray!

Colossians 4:2—Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving.

Ephesians 6:18—With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,

1 John 5:14—This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

Trust!

Proverbs 3:5-6—Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not into thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.

Psalm 28:7—The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him.

1 Chronicles 16:11—Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually.

Wait patiently!

Isaiah 40:31—Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

Psalm 130:5—I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope.

Romans 12:12—Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

I pray that we use the opportunity of “not yet” as a way to bring us closer to God and wait for His answer!

~Erin