Imagine the cartoon where the wife asks the husband, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” To which he responds, “No, your butt makes your butt look big.” It’s supposed to be a humorous look at a marriage conversation and I’m grateful that my husband has never said anything like that to me. While it’s potentially true that my big booty makes my booty look big in pants, his telling me that may reduce me to tears.
But I often call out my husband for words that I think are mean and hurtful. He always retorts with “But it’s the truth!” We’ve had countless conversations (read arguments) about how even if something is true, it could still hurt someone. It’s not just falsehoods that hurt (in fact, I’d argue that some falsehoods feel better to hear than the truth often does). I believe that the way we tell the truth matters just as much as the factual truth.
Let’s explore an example. There’s a horrible accident that results in the death of your loved one. Have a “would you rather” moment with me…
Would you rather have someone say: “Your loved one (insert name/position) is dead.” Rather bluntly…very abruptly.
Or would you rather them say, “I know this won’t be easy to hear and I want you to know that I am so sorry to inform you that your loved one (insert name/position) has passed away due to the accident.” Rather emotionally…possibly even lovingly.
Both statements are true. One is stark and harsh. One is filled with empathy and grace.
For any relationship to flourish, truth is important. Open and honest communication aids in the growth of all our friendships, family relationships, and even work partners. However, that open and honest communication has to happen without it being hurtful.
In other words, we can be truthful and mind our tongue. Proverbs 12:18 (NASB) states, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Repeatedly in scripture, God warns us to watch our tongue, to be slow to anger, slow to speak. (see James 1:19)
When we are watchful over what comes out of our mouths, we can build others up. We can correct grievances without others becoming defensive. We afford space for others to speak up as well. Foundationally, when we have honest and open communication that is helpful…not hurtful…it grows the bonds of connectedness. A marriage becomes stronger, friendships have more trust, and the workplace flourishes; in each instance, our words have been chosen carefully in truth, but for the building up of others.
For instance, in Ephesians 4:29 (NASB) the Apostle Paul wrote, “Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that so that it will give grace to those who hear.”
Essentially Paul is instructing us that grace with truth creates a better scenario for others to hear what we are saying. Therefore, we should struggle with the concept of “but it’s the truth” if that truth is hurtful.
This week I’d encourage you to meditate on how you tell the truth to those around you. Is it starkly delivered, or is there room for grace?
~Emily
Iron Porch 